Chocolate is a Vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
<><><><>REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts"<><><><>
The Russian took a large bottle of the finest Vodka from his briefcase. He poured a glass for each of them and declared, "My country produces the finest Vodka in the world! Nowhere else will you taste Vodka this good. Not only that, but we have so much of it that we can just throw it away."
With that, he stood up and threw the rest of the bottle out of the window.
The other companions were quite impressed.
The Cuban, not to be outdone, pulled a large package of Havana Cigars out of his valise. He handed one to each man and said, "No country in the world produces cigars like we do in Cuba. The finest! Everywhere in my land they are so plentiful that we just open a pack and toss the rest away."
He then threw the rest of the pack out the train window.
Again, the others were very impressed.
At that point, the American physician, without a word, got up from his seat and tossed the managed care executive out the window.
1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
One night I had a wondrous dream.
One set of footprits there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,]
but mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
for miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand.
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby- sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
The following were some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Q: It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
A: I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? Or, one goose, 2 geese? So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all..
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS TRYING TO LEARN ENGLISH, PITY THEM!
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation, "Genesis 3:10"
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael; He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
<><><><> Just give me a minute: <><><><>
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from the drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute." <><><><> Three Little Pigs: <><><><>
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class where the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said, "And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw with which to build my house?" Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
My friend's son raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! He said 'WOW! A talking pig!' "
<><><><> Family Inquisition: <><><><>
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white,Mom?
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
<><><><> Circulatory Facts: <><><><>
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience she mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, the hero Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
<><><><>HE'LL HELP ME WIN THE RACE<><><><>
I refuse to be to be sad or even cry,
I refuse to be downhearted,
And here's the reason why;
I have a God who's Mighty,
Who's Sovereign and Supreme,
I have a God who Loves me,
and I am on His team...
He is all-wise and powerful,
JESUS is his name,
Though everything is changeable,
My God remains the same;
My God knows all that's happening,
beginning to the end,
His presence is my comfort,
He is my dearest Friend...
When sickness comes to weaken me,
To bring my head down low,
I call upon my Mighty God,
into His arms I go;
When circumstances threaten
To rob me of my peace,
He draws me close unto His breast,
where all my strivings cease...
When my heart melts within me,
And weakness takes control,
He gathers me into His arms,
He soothes my heart and soul;
The great "I AM" is with me,
My life is in His Hand,
The "Son of the Lord" is my hope,
It's in His strength I stand...
I refuse to be defeated,
My eyes are on my God,
He has promised to be with me,
As through this life I trod;
I am looking past all my circumstances,
To Heaven's throne above,
My prayers have reached the heart of God
I'm resting in His love...
I give God thanks in everything,
My eyes are on His face,
The battle's His, the victory mine,
He'll help me win the race!
Ada Jane Cowper
They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray!! I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. ! Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...
This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash can is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first. Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while. I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses.
I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots - - Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?
End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!
I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...CAN YOU RELATE???
Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO!!
Oh, dear! What is my name?
<><><><>A SURE THING<><><><>
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied,
"Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?".
There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '15,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
<><><><>OSAMA BIN LADEN<><><><>
Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer.
"You will die on an American holiday."
"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday."
Bill Clinton went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington Monument. He said, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds, George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over."
Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said, "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds, Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
Bill continued jogging and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?" After a few seconds, Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"
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